Saturday, April 7, 2018
Rather late, in January 2017, a citizen informed Mayor Lars Burkhard Steinz about the eerie shit series, “There is someone out there who shits on the sidewalks”. Subsequently, the town of Heuchelheim documented 30 cases of public human poop during the last year but found no tangible trace of the “defecator”.
Only in January 2018, Mayor Steinz, a former police officer, took on the shit professionally first by calling for help in the Heuchelheimer Gemeindenachrichten (Local News). In order not to upset his citizens too much he euphemistically wrote, “Unappetizing occurrences happen in our community,” asking them to provide information about human beings laying marks of feces.
The male form used here is politically correct because “We know the gender of the defecator from stool samples.” Mayor Steinz had not only taken the matter in hand but samples too using latex gloves and test tubes. “That's how we saved the DNA," he explained.
By February the mayor had received more than 50 relevant hints and had the offender’s profile published in the Heuchelheimer Gemeindenachrichten under the heading, “Hinweise zu menschlichen Kotspurlegern (Hints to humans laying marks of feces).” The text revealed, “A prime suspect is a man in his late fifties having a squat, stout body. He wears glasses, a kepi with a military pattern, and is usually on a bicycle.”
In the meantime the man was identified, “Since long he is a Heuchelheim citizen and has perfectly working restroom facilities at home.” And Steinz added, “This is not a court case. The guy will be invited by the regulatory authority to explain his case. As a compensation for his pollutions, he will possibly be asked to do some social work like cleaning rubbish from sidewalks.”