A Letter from Afterlife

Frequently Red Baron rips out a few feathers of other people in his writings but does not use them to adorn his blogs. The following, however, is an exception where I feature a translation of a letter from Napoleon to Trump. Der Spiegel author Evelin Ruhnow guided the French emperor's pen. I added some illustrations and footnotes.

Detail from the well-known painting by Jacques-Louis David
Premier Consul franchissant les Alpes au col du Grand Saint-Bernard
 with Trump in the saddle instead of Napoleon (©Der Spiegel)

In his letter, Napoleon dissuades the US president from emulating him.

Dear Mr. Trump,

For some time now, I have been following your efforts to claim the top position among history's greats with increasing displeasure. Mon cher ami, let me tell you: This place has already been taken. And although you have a reputation for incorrigible attitude, I am sending you these well-meant objections in the hope of dissuading you from your mission impossible.

"The career is open to the talented," I always say; and I am convinced of that, after all, I am living proof of it. However, I would like to express some doubts about you.

Très bien, you have made it to the presidency for the second time. That may be a more remarkable achievement than some would have given you credit for.

Napoleon's privates (©Tony Perrottet)

1. For me, it is instead a testimony to the failure of your people, who once dared to equate my severed penis with a shriveled eel and put it on public display. Quels crétins!

Nevertheless, I am surprised that this once proud nation could elevate a questionable homme d'affaires like you to office. It is often only a step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

2. I may be less familiar with today's times. Nevertheless, it seems at best risqué to me when a self-declared "king" bases his wisdom on the trials and tribulations of TV réalité. Voltaire, Goethe, Rousseau - these are the names he should be studying, Caesar, Alexander the Great and Hannibal, the heroes he should strive to emulate. And by the latter I don't mean that psychopath dérangé you so deliberately mention.

3. I cannot help but attest a lack of consistency in your foreign policy affairs that is not befitting of a truly great ruler. Take, for example, your efforts to start a tariff war. That may be a clever move to turn the nations against you, bien sur. But if it is, then please do it properly.

In my time, I set up a continental blockade that almost brought the whole of Europe - including my own empire - to ruin. If you do stupid things, they must at least succeed.

4. Success makes great men, but what notable successes may you show? The path to true greatness requires great deeds and titles.

I was First Consul and crowned Emperor. I became King of Italy and holder of the Order of the Elephant. People have erected statues of me, written books about my life and named plants after me. And you?

©dinarchronicles

So far, you have only fantasized in front of tasteless gold statues bearing your visage.

©The White House

And a patched-up picture with a crown doesn't make an aristocrat. Not everyone masters the art of declaring himself autocrat.

The fake citation (©Stephen Colbert)

5. I take particular offense at your attempt to appropriate my fame. Using a false quote and putting on your own crown, elevating your closest family members and followers to positions of power*, infiltrating the media with systematic "press work" and presenting yourself as a chosen savior - all just to emulate me? Pathétique!
*Don't run your mouth too full here, Napoleon. His older brother Joseph Bonaparte was first King of Naples and later King of Spain. Napoleon's younger brother Louis became King of Holland and his youngest brother Jérôme was King of Westphalia.

Apart from the fact that there can only be one original - and that's me - I intensely dislike being associated with your questionable practices and manners. And your attempts to reach out for things beyond your reach sometimes seem clumsy as your hand.

Finally, if my letter does not dissuade you from your fruitless efforts to climb the steps of glory, I would like to issue two warnings. They are based on painful experiences that I am reluctant to talk about.

Firstly, if you put all your trust in Russia, you may end up like me. I too, generous as I was, made a peace that the ungrateful Tsar broke only a short time later.

And secondly, the people's anger is awakening faster than you can imagine.* Your second term of office may not yet last a hundred days like mine, but I assure you: The voices wishing for your abdication can already be heard loud and clear. As soon as the luck changes, the mob will become ungrateful.

*After the lost Battle of Leipzig, Napoleon resented, "Conquests have made me what I am. Only conquests can keep me in power."

All well and good, but my Russian campaign may not have been strictly a success. Looking back, perhaps I should have been satisfied with my petty kingship on Elba (you call yours Mar-a-Lago) - but who can predict that?

And before you know it, you end up on a lonely, barren island. Alone. Quelle farce!

Last but not least: I heard you once remark during a visit to France that things didn't end well with me. But if you think you could follow in my oversized footsteps without sharing a similar fate, all that remains for me to say is: Bonne chance.

With disdainful regards

Napoleon Bonaparte (the real one)

*